Reporter uncovers key to Capitol Hill progress, but who’s the dealer? (parody)

This piece is a parody encouraged by my funny neighbor Barbie. Stock images courtesy Pixabay. Any resemblance to anything or anyone at all is strictly coincidental.

Nobody liked the old crow who occupied chair 1, row 1, of Congressional Press Corps.

Henry Tate had been sitting in the chair 30 long years. He knew so much that every member of Congress despised him, calling him a “paranormal freak” when he would figure out every aspect of every dirty deed they could pull off, or try to.

So, it should have been no surprise when Tate, who would spend his weekends analyzing tapes of Congressional hearings, stumbled upon something that smelled like a story. Tate noticed that on Thursdays beginning late afternoon, members of Congress, over the course of the past few years, had begun dismissing themselves to the restroom in formulaic fashion.

For example, Rep. Muriel Webster always would go first. Webster, an angry Democratic firebrand at 75, was known for her fiery, often inappropriate outbursts on the floor of the House. Tate delighted in the rotund, screaming, angry woman.

Webster represented the 23rdCongressional District. Tate began to notice that, in numeric fashion, other members of Congress would begin to excuse themselves to the restroom, but Mama Webster always went first. At 1:35, the Congressman representing the 18thCongressional District would go potty. A few minutes later, the woman from the 14thCongressional District.

An autistic savant, Tate deciphered a strange code that was being used for the bathroom breaks. Most every member of Congress had an assigned time for going on Thursday afternoons, like clockwork. But, it was more than that. It was a code.

The first time “Turd Days Thursdays” on Capitol Hill caught the attention of Tate was when Congress passed a bi-partisan gun control bill. Stunned gallery onlookers feared End Times as U.S. Rep House leaders Nina Portola and Petey Taistey joined forces to restrict gun sales and enforce harsher background checks.

The impossible had occurred, and the smiles and hugs were genuine.

And from that date moving forward, every single time Congress passed meaningful legislation, it happened late on a Thursday afternoon. Usually, the votes came shortly before half past 5 p.m.

Now, even legalization of marijuana was on the table in hallowed halls of Congress. And, it appeared passage of both houses and signature by the president would be seamless.

What was really happening on Turd Day Thursdays?

Tate accidentally bumps purse on Rep. Webster’s desk while walking past

The gun control legislation had sent members of Congress pouring out of the chamber in celebratory fashion, many leaving their belongings behind. Henry Tate had observed the lawmakers for so long he knew which ones had cell phones without locking screens. And, Tate had observed several members of Congress checking their cell phones prior to going to the restroom before the Thursday gun control vote.

Not his first rodeo, Tate knew all about texts, restrooms, and things getting strange afterward.

Tate headed straight for Webster’s seat. She had left her cell sitting on top of her gigantic red leather purse. He knew if he walked past and bumped the purse the slightest bit, the cell phone would fall to the floor and he would have to pick it up.

And that’s just what happened.

As he recovered the phone, it displayed: “Gdp. Purell.”

The text? It had come from Speaker Taistey.

Taistey

U.S. Rep Taistey of Wisconsin (parody, stock image courtesy Pixabay)

What Tate did next may shock you, but this reporter knew the law. Tate decided to enter the women’s restroom to see what “Purell” might refer to. He suspected “Purell” may refer to a soap dispenser, and “Purell” appears printed on the dispensers in the press corps restrooms, too.

While some may think a male reporter entering the women’s restroom on Capitol Hill would be outrageously risky, Tate had written a story about an Obama-era executive order and knew otherwise. All restrooms on Capitol Hill had been declared gender-neutral safe spaces by a stroke of Obama’s pen shortly before he left office.

Tate knew about weed drops in soap dispensers. He’d seen it all, and hunches often went a long, long way.

Tate neared the “Purell” dispensary on the wall in the ladies’ room, and carefully opened it up. Inside? The undeniable aroma of lavender and sweet purple grapes that is the Granddaddy Purple strain, or “Gdp” on the Leafly table of cannabis.

Indeed, U.S. Rep. Webster, it appeared, had headed to the soap dispensary in the Congressional restroom to retrieve her weed drop…from Speaker Taistey.

Waters, Muriel

U.S. Rep Muriel Webster returns from the Capitol Hill restroom before a key gun control vote. A reporter later learned Speaker Taistey had just sent her a text instructing her to pick up her Granddaddy Purple medical cannabis in a House restroom soap dispenser. (Stock image courtesy Pixabay, any resemblance to anything or anybody is purely coincidental). 

Miserable Spitt given Pineapple Express

Tate made a few calls and did some Googling. He quickly learned that the venerable Gdp strain is a sedative, often used to treat people with anger problems.

Curious, Tate side-shuffled over to Congressman Adam Spitt’s desk. Spitt, always angry and ready to burst into a rage, had returned from the restroom before the gun control vote, swaying his hips and mumbling something about Florida and Pina coladas.

pineapple

After learning about various cannabis strains reporting ‘Greengate,’ today Tate has his own cannabis card for PTSD. ‘Pineapple Express is a real treat,’ said Tate, who today lives in quiet seclusion. 

While the sedate Rep. Webster returning from the loo seemed nothing more than a reason to give thanks to Tate, seeing U.S. Rep. Spitt actually smile for the first time in 20 years was cause for alarm.

Tate enjoyed mocking politicians and would practice it alone in his spare time. Tate took a quick glance around the chamber. Nobody was there except a reporter from the Lolita Liquidations newspaper chain. She was asleep in a press area because she had been out drinking too late the night before.

Tate sauntered over to Spitt’s seat. His shiny S8 Plus was in plain view.

“Bixby, show me my text messages,” said Tate, in the most miserable, angry, Spitt-like tone he could muster.

And Bixby did just that. Aghast, Tate saw what he already expected. A text from Speaker Taistey. It read:

“Towel dispenser. Pex.”

Tate went directly for the restroom and found what he already knew would be there: The delicious remains of the glorious scent of a bag of Pineapple Express cannabis that had been left for Rep. Spitt.

By Speaker Taistey, no doubt.

SCANDAL!

Known for its anti-depressive effects, Pineapple Express could put a smile on a monster, if only for a few minutes.

Jusssssttt enoughhhhhh time…to make sure a grumpy member of Congress is smilin’ when his name is called….

For a vote critical to the GOP!

The gun control legislation actually contained a caveat that the legislation only was advisory in nature, but Speaker Taistey made sure the likes of Spitt were too damned stoned to notice.

Why is Speaker Taistey REALLY not running again?

Speaker Taistey had announced in recent months that he was retiring from the House. Nobody could quite understand while the likable, dashing speaker had decided to throw in the towel.

To many, it simply made the handsome speaker only that much more attractive. Was he too clean for the swamp, too, but without the abrasive mouth of the commander in chief?

Trump-Taistey 2020 already had been born.

In a soon-to-be-released book, sage Congressional reporter Tate will show you just how Speaker Taistey had been “prescribing” just the right strains of medicinal cannabis to all the disruptive members of Congress.

Later, it became known to Tate that Taistey had repeatedly given Nina Portola, his political nemesis, Jack Herer strain. Jack Herer is known for inducing clarity and alertness.

Portola

U.S. Rep Portola exits Capitol Hill restrooms after receiving her “drop” of Jack Here in a paper towel machine. Parody. Stock image courtesy Pixabay

In fact, Taistey had been providing Jack Herer in vape concentrate form to Sen. Dodie Fayetteville as well.

Through medical cannabis, Speaker Taistey was able to … “medicate” … the downtrodden obstacles to progress that had been holding our country back for so long.

Without giving away the entire book, which no doubt will be made into a motion picture, members of Congress marched on the Pentagon after legalizing marijuana on that day on Capitol Hill. In a scene sure to dazzle even the most seasoned CGI effect experts, President Trump and members of Congress “levitate the Pentagon” and cast out evil spirits while puffing on personalized joints.

While Speaker Taistey has left Congress for now, he reportedly is a key player in the Wisconsin cannabis industry.

Expect America to be begging for “Trump-Taistey” in 2020.

Stay elevated, America.

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